I never stopped
by Raquelita
Summary: Lily could think of few things that she was afraid of, but being stuck this way was one of them. If James Potter could stop loving her, then there was no one left. But what she doesn't understand is that maybe, just maybe, he never did stop. LJ oneshot


**A/N: just a bit of james/lily flangst (fluffy angst). Enjoy!**

It was a fear, a real honest fear. Lily could think of few things that she was afraid of, but being stuck this way was one of them.

'This way' was, more specifically, being unable to break away from what was holding her back. She was a commitment-phobe, she had trust issues, she only wanted what she couldn't have … there were a million things wrong with her, and she was afraid that no one would ever be able to fix them.

There had been one. One person who could have put her back together – if she had let him. But no, Lily had pushed him so far away that he had stopped trying.

_It's just proof, _whispered a voice in the back of her head, _proof that everyone will give up on you eventually. Even James Potter. _

Lily shook herself mentally, trying to shut out the voice. She shouldn't even be thinking about James. He hadn't spoken to her … or wooed her, or annoyed her, or sent her flowers … in months. She was dating someone else now anyway. And, as she was always telling her friends, he was absolutely perfect. Every girl's dream, chivalrous and handsome, a knight in shining armor. He wasn't arrogant or immature or silly – everyone said they were perfect for each other. Perfect.

_But if Adrian is so perfect, _the voice piped up, _then why can't you stop thinking about James? Why do you keep lying to yourself, telling your friends how happy you are? You don't want perfect Lily. You don't want a knight in shining armor. You just want – _

"Shut up!" Lily said through clenched teeth.

"I wasn't aware I said anything."

Lily looked up and came face to face with James, who had just hopped down from the wide ledge of a window.

"Ja – Potter. What are you doing out so late? It's not allowed."

"Oh I'm sorry Evans. I lost track of time."

James said the words without a hint of emotion. No flirtation, no anger, no … anything. He simply turned and walked away, heading back toward the Gryffindor common room.

Lily watched him go, fighting a losing battle and knowing that she would probably regret what she was about to do.

"James!" she called after him.

He turned, looking surprised at the use of his first name.

"Wait," she said simply, hurrying to catch up to him.

"Something wrong?" he asked.

Lily took a deep breath, "Why don't you, I mean why haven't you …" the words spilled out before she could stop them, "Why don't you love me anymore?"

"What?" James stopped walking, and so did Lily. They faced each other.

"I just want to know," Lily stated plainly, "Why you don't love me anymore. I'm not saying I blame you for stopping, I just want to know why. What it was I did."

"You – you're with Adrian now," he stuttered.

"Yes, I'm aware of that."

"But he's perfect," James said, "He's perfect for you. He's everything you ever wanted."

"Says who?"

"I don't know … I guess I just assumed."

Lily sighed, "This conversation isn't about him anyway. You still haven't answered my question. Why did you stop loving me? Please tell me James," she added in almost a whisper, "I need to know." She felt tears forming in her eyes and wished desperately that they would go away. She didn't need him to see that she was hurting.

James stared at her silently for a moment as she stared at the floor. He didn't understand how she could even ask this question, and he couldn't stand that she believed he didn't love her.

"Lily," he said, lifting her chin up gently, "I never stopped."

"What?"

"I never stopped," he repeated, "I just didn't want to embarrass you anymore. I thought it was what you wanted. I thought if you saw that I could be mature and I could leave you alone then maybe – "

The rest of his sentence was cut off by Lily's lips on his. James barely had time to realize what had happened before he found himself wrapping his arms around her, holding her as tightly as he could. He was afraid that any moment now he might wake up and find himself alone in bed, another dream darting out of reach.

When she pulled away he kept his hands around her waist, an assurance that she was still real, still there.

"Wow," he breathed.

"Yeah," she replied, swallowing hard, "James, I think you're the only one who can fix me."

"Fix you?"

"Yeah," she had tears in her eyes again and he instinctively pulled her to him, "It's just that I'm so broken and messed up and confused, and you were the one person who seemed to love me unconditionally, even though I yelled at you daily. Then suddenly you were gone and I just felt like … I don't know, like if even you could stop loving me, there wasn't any hope left. There was no one who could see all of me, all of the parts that are screwed up and hurting, and still stick around."

"And Adrian?" James asked.

Lily shook her head ruefully, "He can't love me like you do. It took me this long to realize, but no one can love me like you do James."

"I'll always stick around Lily, and I'll never stop loving you," he said quietly.

"I don't think I'll ever stop loving you either," she replied.

"Wait …" James almost didn't believe what he'd heard, "You just said … you mean … do you love me Lily?"

"Yeah," she replied with a smile, "It may have taken me seven years to realize it, but I love you James Potter."

James couldn't contain himself. Letting out a whoop of joy, he picked Lily up and spun her around.

"Okay okay," she said through her laughter, "I think we get the point."

He put her back safely on the ground, but still didn't let go, "Lily Evans you've made me the happiest man in the world."

"I thought I might," she said, laughter still in her eyes, "Now stop celebrating and kiss me before I change my mind."

James leaned in, "I'm never letting you go again," he whispered against her mouth.

"I wouldn't want you to."

**The End**

**A/N: hope you liked it! Reviews are lovely and always make me happy!**


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